Of montreal; On being Needy

Amazing show. We arrived for Man Man, which was alright. Interesting music, enjoyable for sure, about the middle of the crowd, it was hear our migration started. oh you are living? See ya, and thanks for the spot. Slowly slowly till we were 6 rows of people away from the barricade, with of montreal up next. Big fucker blocked me, but whatever. Finally a song break, and Cody says peace and leaves, W00T my last spot, 2 people now away from the barricade, I screamed my heart out, I danced. Let me let that one sink in...I was dancing in public. SInging loudly, blasting lyrics, jumping like a school child.

It was the mot amazing experience i have had in a long time.

====

I've gotten called needy twice now. " I work well with neediness...i just get irritated....so stop being mean to me" That doesn't seem very aggressive to me, but is still pretty upsetting. I do have a lot of attention issues, I'll admit that. I am needy, I have a compulsive call to be recognized and acknowledged, among friends its playing out inside of a very weird way. As some of you know, I am the product of a single mother. Well, maybe you know that. Either way, as I started to go through school so did my mom. She went to college, with three kids on her own. I will never be able to appreciate that stress that has on someone. I had a brilliant method of getting the attention I craved from my mother, as she was always so busy. I would exist! After all, I'm pretty cool. Of course she would notice me! Writing this makes me think of a odd thing to do as a 1st grader or kindergartner, I really loved the song Meet you at the crossroads, by bone thugs and harmony. I would listen to it endlessly on loop, a little odd I think now for someone so young to love a song about death, and about how you won't be lonely when we meet at the crossroads. Well anyways that became my approach for getting attention. One time on a car ride, I got really depressed, I didn't say anything for a few hours. But no one asked why I got so quite...no one seemed to notice or care.

So I did what any rational 8 year old would do at this point. I sneaked off and hide behind the garage, and cryed. I cryed for neglect and how much I hated my life. It took my mom not too long to come and find me, make things better telling me we'd go do something just the two of us (I never forgot this, we didn't) to make it all better.

When I was dating Hannah I developed a odd response. She would push me away physically, so I would refuse to get close to her the rest of the night. I would simply say fine, and go about my marry way. If she doesn't want me around I won't be. This caused her to get quite upset, When she told me to shut up I would do that too. I would over comply with her joke because for some reason it upset me so much. She eventually got very upset that she couldn't figure out what she did that was making me act this way. So I eventually told her. Than one day at a party I think, she pushed me away, and I responded how I would but a beautiful thing happened. She say my response, and immediately grabbed on to me and said no. It made me feel validated like none other.

People cry out for attention sometimes, cut themselves, others say its for attention. Why the fuck aren't they getting it than? Something so simple as time, to validate another person. To tell them they are worth while, good, excellent. Something so small as approval? But its seen as a mark, a burden. A Terrible sin to act of attention, well as someone starved for it fuck off. They don't want the damn world, they want a afternoon. They want a compliment that they look nice, that they are not just a massive pile of dirt. I'm told often that there isn't a normal out there, but than I realized why they were wrong. It was being treated like you were dirt in younger years that mattered. It was destroyed social skills from playing video games, on weekends that makes me different. Ridicule is the word, I experienced it. Its not so bad as to be destroying, but it does shape some things.

I don't know of a more hurtful thing someone could say to me than to call me needy.

Fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life



I should of listened...

Stay away!


But I liked her so much...so what if it wasn't traditional chemistry?

Fuck my life.


=(

Confusion!

The redhead, turned out to be a girl! But the fire was right.

Awkward sex, more awkward about face after that.

I don't give up without a fight, and I fight back hard.


Seems to be working...

Wooo!

Things go right some times and wrong others!


Failing Metrology FFUCKKKKAKSDKAKSDKSAKD. Thats not good.


Top 16 at CEDA woo!

Not debating at the NDT, but free time to chill in austin w00t w00t.


Red head is very interested.=D, she might be a little wild, but I'm willing to play with fire. Could be fun.

XKCD is happiness

Another friday at home

Home is a odd word. It should mean where the people I enjoy are.

my family no? Thats in STL

Friends? No, Missouri, Canada, Michigan, Rhode Island, Texas and some here I suppose.


I don't really know.

The More Things Change

The more they stay the same.


I understand less and less. I've become destabilized, a constantly shifting image is always becoming. Did you know how I would perceive this? Did you find a assortment of because you liked them? Is it telling? Becoming the only thing I have really listened to for the past two weeks, I might have dwelled a bit. But you dwell also. So I wonder, is there a message? Is there purpose?

I would like to think so, because that thought makes me happy. I think the last selection is a contextulization,

At Least I offer my own disaster

Things could be different.

But there not...

TIme Constraints

I hate them very much.

I leave so soon, but there is so much to do.

Making Friends

I'm wondering if I've never been very good at the making friends because of some simple choices. I didn't interact with other kids until I entered pre school. Quite, I just kept to myself. Away I took a hands off approach to interacting with everyone else.

This naturally made me the most popular kid around, everyone would flock to come and talk with me.

Or at least in my mind that was the case. Instead I developed something else, a large sense of fantasy. I just imagine more ideal situations, interactions, a world where things go well.

Why do people approach each other? What makes one speak to another? I've never understood it. As a child it is the time to learn this talent, I am very upset I did not. Ultimately I met people by having class, where interaction was easily forced.

College has been a similliar event, but this time I've phased into the wall. I am anonymous and unknown. Its nice to tell myself that this is a healthy interaction with the world, but I can't even pretend to believe it.

"Can Sally come out to play?"
"Maybe"
"Well that would be great"
"No, she can not"
"...Are you sure?"
"Maybe...On third thought no"

I wish to go and eat dirt, or bury my head in the sand. At least that would make everything else more clear. Than it hits me, I DO eat dirt. I just wasn't aware it was dirt I was eating.

Protect Marriage; Ban Divorce

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... by Jack Black

Pro-Active

A foreign devil of a word. Who is productive for them selfs? How could one possibly know what they need to do? Its always been a bit of a un state concept that undercuts my being. How would one know when one should express, vs. hold back? Work vs. blow off?

I realized what it was, was not caring about the difference. Working on everything, leads to good results.

Than I learned how I can cheat. A magical little pill that makes me more social, and also makes me work? I express myself possibly redundantly and rantishly, but thats because people don't care to hear.

I don't care what happens. I might fail, I might fall into addiction. But whats the opposite side? I might succeed?

The wager is my body. The prize is happiness. How can I not throw the dice?

Hey hey!

How often do you end up in conversation? I find myself starting to try and communicate more with people, and I am met with a issue. When people do communicate, is their normally decent amounts of time when they say nothing? Is their a need to speak?

One of my favorite lines every was
Mia: Don't you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don't know. That's a good question.
Mia: That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

A beauitfull quote in my mind. I still try and fill the gaps thought, recentally in order to communicate I fill it with jokes that I don't even think are that funny. Maybe I'll get a chuckle? The humour is that they get responses, but not because they are funny. A chuckle maybe after a moment, when it is recognized as a joke, to be like ha that is an attempt.

Gaps in interaction create a weird sort of event, a divide between how well one nows the other becomes formed, seperation occurs. The odd thing is this occurs relative to the normal amount of communication, happy little severings of who we are. Strings aline, but never so fully. I have three examples of this now, Nabihah, Jen, and one other.

With Nabihah time means nothing, a infinitie approach is taken. Four years until a single event becomes discussed, reasonable. So whats a summer? Whats a week? Whats a semster? Nothing signficanct will change inside of those peirods, so conversation can stay for these changes.

With Jen I cut her out. Oddly, I mapped the entierty of my interaction with her out early, and was able to predict key events, shifts in the interaction. I spoke with her for the first time in a month or two, and I am gratefull to maybe be back as a friend. With her, I had the continual problem of becoming re attached when I would talk with her, so the solution was a complete removal. Now it is past, its events that have occured, the line reached a complete and solid end. So I can ask about it, well not so easily. I am scared for preception, I am scared to be precieved. Along with not quite knowing where I should fall, what kind of friend I am? An acquitance? I felt at arms length this time, but I don't think it was my arm that was stretched out.

Than their(fun fact, I have virtually no idea if that is correct) is another. Sure of nothing, confused about all of it it behaves like a game of sorts. Distance confounds the interaction, and makes it more diffcult to read. I don't quite get to cheat like I can when I see someones face. That makes it all the more easier, because if I can look at you I can figure you out...potentialy. So I wonder where this road will take me.

I wonder who I am refering to? Its not even completely clear to myself.

Disaster Again

My laptop screen no longer works! No aim for me, and no communication. A disaster of an event, timing wise. I wonder what effect this will have?

Am I a shitty person?

I'm thinking right now I really am. I feel really very much like a bad human being. Like I expect everything to just fall in front of me. Like my interest in most post modernism is because I am way to lazy to go bother and read all of the history of philosophy. And it must be infinitely more vast and important, that I am a utter prick, undeniable.  That I like being able to see everyone when they are talking makes me a huge asshole, that I seriously messed up in the last few weeks in my feminist philosophy class.   I think it might just be one exposure of the overall issue of who I am. How did I become such a bad person? I can see reading this and thinking of me as a bad person, I think that might be true.

The Most Peculiar Exposure of Hypocrisy

For the longest of time I have felt that it makes sense to keep who I am to myself, that it is private and personal. That the people that matter will be those who are interested enough to ask, to investigate into the hidden recesses. 

Than I am posed with a question, to tell, to tell what is unknown, to tell something hidden.  The question is not of much significance, potentially. Is it a idle question to fill space inside of a empty conversation, as I treated it, or could it be different? 

The lie thought is how I reacted, how I react normally, defensive and still guarding. Skeptical, rather than open faith into potentiality. Someone is curious enough to ask, and I don't respond? How? What am I than? Do I not understand myself? All of this time, i've framed my interaction around if people care to know or not. 

To be fair, there were not many secrets to be shared. As I think you are reading this. This is a lot of me, so much exposed that I don't think I ever told anyone before. Maybe? Aylon help me with that, did you know my dad was a big fan of booze, and spent hours yelling at me? Did that even come out? Are my secrets exposed, or are they still safe? I wonder. 

Towson

Fuck.

Why do we have to hit Towson? And with Nicole judging? BLEH, I am fairly certain this defines screwed. Last time Nicole judged us San Fransico State raped Ronald Regan as Osama Bin Laden to deal with the hetronormative nature of the war on terrorism. Some how THAT was a round winning argument. Moronic.

Towson we debated last at JV nationals. They said racism was bad, we said you ignore native americans and that racism was bad. Judge fucked again. I hate social critique judges, all of the sudden methodology is the only thing that matters.  Nothing matters that could be wrong with what they have said, its only about practical implications. The irony of course being that there are no practical implications inside of debate itself. Teams that decnounce debates racism, become caged animals that people come to watch, the movement is a laughing stock. 

Oh how funny, there argument is they reserve the right to not be foreclosed on what there argument is. Thats fine, what the fuck are you saying than? Prick. Scott, calm down no reason to get upset these kids can't debate (Scott is my partner). The 1ac starts with both of them talking. They aren't making an argument yet and are just going to respond when we make one. Every question I ask is met with both of them talking, very funny.(This seems more negative, why is there so much tension?)

Its my turn to talk and the round might as well be over. How the hell can I get Nicole to vote for us, they haven't said anything yet and we have to make an argument. Shit. Why are they calling me white? Is that who I am? Am I one portion of my existence? Does being white matter more than experience that has treated me as something other than white? Why does being white mean its always involved in my identity.

(I can't stream this one as from my thoughts unfortunately as thats what I did in my speech, I didn't think I just talked)I spoke of my father and alcoholism, of nights spent screaming till about three am. I spoke of my mother breaking down working on 11 dollars an hour with three kids. I spoke of being treated as different for not being aggressive being called a faggot. I spoke of essentialist notions of identity and the bearing on me. I spoke of moving up in the world, and the fear that my mom married for security potentially. I spoke of blurring the lines between oppressor and oppressed, between us and them. I spoke of my dad going to prison and possibly needing therapy.  I did not think we could win. I cried.

I needed this speech, to vocalize my experience to strangers in a way that felt therapeutic to me. Nicole cried too, harder at some points than others. Scott cried, and didn't wish to talk of his experience quite the same when it was his turn. 

After this we made a few arguments 1.They shouldn't just get to say racism is bad, but allow us to respond and thus should not be able to permute what we do (combine our arguments so that we lose 2. That they do not interrogate there relation to oppression and thus render it invisible.

Ultimately, we won. Towson flipped shit. They stormed out of the room without lessoning to the reason why they lost. After words I went to talk to Adam, not because we lost, but because I felt there would be some tension inevitably, I didn't want that. I hope it didn't seem I thought they won (they didn't, they really can't debate =o ). Than things got a little hectic

My Coach:We don't need to argue with them.

He than pulls me away pumping it seems with energy/emotion.

Towson Coach:FUCK OFF!

OU:What did you say to me motherfucker?!

I grab on to OUC, and just pull him away and say its not worth it its not worth it. Tensions are high, anger is flying. 

After the round, and after all of it I felt so much better. So much more free.

=======================

I've come to another conclusion, I am really really screwed when it comes to females. Introverts are of course the best, unfortunately these are the same people that don't show emotion. So a problem confronts me, how do I bridge that gap? Well, the answer is I can't. I similarly avoid showing that sort of emotion. Two interests I had I saw crash and burn, as missouri state shows a remarkable amount of aggression after we beat them again this weekend. An OU debater, I am fairly certain thinks I'm just a weird ass. /sigh.  I wish it was easier to make it obvious without exposing to potential rejection. And shit, I wouldn't know what to do anyways. Oh my life, guess I should work harder on debate.