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A odd sign to see today on campus by my library. Confused, I walk forward to see a massive sign. Really? Pro life propaganda 15 feet by 20 feet, surrounded by a metal barricade? Are you fucking kidding me? (by barricade I of course mean hip high fence ) What the fuck.

As I walked closer I hoped it was just some poltically neutral display about the election. But it was all abortion, all abortion is evil.

I lost a lot of faith in OK today.

Debate its kind of like a life but not quite

The second tournament I went to, KCKCC, gives me a weekend and a birthday debating abstract high theory. None of these rounds are really worth while, debate has gotten a lot easier when a simple realization occurred. Debate is essentially won by the team that makes an argument that is responsive.  Reading Nietzsche has made this rather apparent, the rounds where we have a real response is few and far between. So no worries, but a interesting thing happened this tournament. I stopped talking to Jen, not of a lot of significance to this in and of itself. But a weird revelation, she is getting married to Cole or something.

I want to talk about this not because I care for Jen, but because this is the dumbest thing I have heard in a very long term. Can this space even exist as legitimate? Here is why I posture this. At the start of 2008 Jen was dating this guy Austin Vance who she had been in a relationship with for three years. She breaks up with him,  and gets involved with Shae for about a period of two months.  This then move into a involvement with me for another two months, than involvement over the summer for another month. So we are looking at about 5 or 6 months. We break up because she has never been single (sorta ) true. She starts dating Cole,  and has been dating for oh I don't know 3 months.  

This leads me to a desire, to express that I think this interaction is beyond FUCKING RETARDED. Ok, reality check, if you have not NOT been involved with someone since you are sixteen you fundamentally are unable to see your investment inside of a need for another human being. Rooted and stuck to other people. Oh, and I forgot something she was also sorta involved with Ben. Nice little list I think, so we have that than switching from person to person. I sort of understand where this comes from thought, Cole seems to say what is the traditional thing that people want to hear, "Bleh I love you, your my one and only", you know really stupid shit that is fundamentally hollow. Literal expression as a means of true expression?  PFFT. I am almost 90% how this relationship started too, casual sex of course. Because you know, THAT is a realistic thing to do.

So other than that, a side note about Cole, that just proves I am correct. The other day I saw cole pick up Jen in his suv. A lexus SUV. Lexus Suv=prick. Really, I don't need to do anymore work on that argument. Anyone who drives a Lexus Suv is fundamentally not a worth while human being, especially in college.

I used to argue with Jen about if she was dependent on having a male in her life, I actually suggested she didn't. I am pretty sure I was wrong.

So moving on,  debate as life yo. I got home on monday, sleep past my class, than BAM, debate is only a few days away again.   This tournament was a little less successful ( we dropped in octos, where we were in semis of the previous one), but new arguments are quite a bit of fun.

Nietzsche, Heidegger, and Schmitt are the only arguments we have read this year.

Schmitt is my new favorite nazi, the argument is that we need to identify people inside of the community as enemy, to draw a arbitrary line in the sand. This should be grounded as still human, but different to frame community in terms of those that are enemy. To fail to do this is to allow a definition of humanity, that allows wars in the name of humanity justifying total annihilation. War is a inevitability, and not something that can be prevented, so Schmitt reframes war in a way that makes war manageable.

He was also a hardcore Nazi. Not like Heidegger, who wasn't really a Nazi, Schmitt was a legit Nazi.

Oh well.

I am screwed also. Every girl I seem to get interested in confuses and confounds me. I can't seem to make any movement forward, ones that I find attractive I can't speak to. Others have boyfriends, bah I wish I wasn't so diss empowering to myself

Edit:I am conflicted about leaving this up. And editing this back in is a pain in the ass, so I am just going to leave it here I guess

Failure

If you had to use one word to sum up your life what would you use? So far I think failure works best for me.

This isn't a negative thing thought, everything I touch and interact with turning to shit.  Its quite the opposite, its all I could ever wish for. Nothing is so serious that I can't brush it to the side eventually, any mistake is a joke in the tragic comedy of my life. I've got such reinforcement for it, most people around me are failures. Failures, with the only real difference being there view towards failure. 

High school was the biggest failure I can put to my name to date.  I think in middle school I started the " I'll work next year" mantra for anything I had to do. So much for that one, now OU is my place of rest, with a student body that is almost 90% from OK. Thats not fair, I think I would dislike them no matter what state they were from. Inside of my creek class one of the girls in the back is beyond retarded.  Everything in class, is here reading what iswritten down, in front of me I have frat boys. Oh what fun, one of them actually  literally  had a shirt with a girl flashing at a frat event on the back. Stars to make it just a little socially acceptable, just a little. Enough to get away with the "Nothing wrong with it", to level criticism. I wish someone would punch him in the face.

I fail at getting over people.  I think a week ago, I fondly recalled time with Rita. It wasn't so much the constant fooling around I missed or thought of though. It was the winter watching heroes underneath a down comforter. Her falling asleep on top of me, just laying there doing nothing.  It makes me think of that time so fondly, and wonderfully.  Time free to be a couple, space to act like one. I was sick once, shortly after telling her this she rang my doorbell, hands my hot chocolate and runs away.  The best part about it was that that was my tactic for affection, to do something good and than get the fuck out of there as fast as possible. With a particular girl, I tryed it first and it was golden as much as it was childish. After a long conversation, (aren't they all?) I had to go eat. But I must make a stand! So I spurrted out a true sentence over AIM. "I think you are beautiful, and you don't hear it enough" Followed quickly with me jamming in the keys as fast as possible to make an excuse to run away. Failure is the expected result for doing something good, so we run from success. 

Failure is great, its kind of why the venture brothers is the greatest show ever.

Another memory before I go. In lab I sat next to Rita argued with her about pretty much everything. My goal (as arrogant as it was), was to convert her to her true potential, mostly that of being a liberal. I had two crusades that I argued with about people inside of high school, Abortion and Gay Rights. That little back log is irrelevant, but establishes my relationship antagonistic friend from lab.  Than one day she said her favorite chocolate, and it spurred a argument of chocolate vs. candy.  She enjoyed her flirting with me, and I with her so whatever (she also loves chocolate). Than her birthday was soon, and I said I would get her something to be nice.  So I went and bought this particular type of chocolate. Alas! Shyly I giver her a birthday present, the response, "Uh thanks". Flabbergasted and embrased out of my mind, I call her a jurk and leave. I didn't go to lab for three days after that, debate claims mostly to avoid admitting anything.  Months later we talked about that while we were together, and she told me that she was shocked, I had not only remembered her birthday and gotten her something, but I had also taken notice of the one time she had said something was her favorite and got her that.  I wish I could do more actions like that, its kind of why I like broken people.  Something as obvious and self evident to me was shocking to her. That she was a worthwhile person, and it is worth listening to everything she had to say. This and one other event she told me is the reason she started to like me at first, that ones a time for another day thought.

Depressing Call

I get a call from my dad, (he is in prison) every Wednesday. The biggest problem is he is so happy to speak to me, wants so badly to heard about my life. Unfortunately, all I have to say is "yea debate", grades and I am eating.  I want to do somethings solely so I can be like I'm doing X and Y went to see blah.

But i've got nothing, so the conversation cuts short. And I don't know how to stop it.

Always and Forever

Shooting myself in the foot.  Tests, debate, and everything else. This is going to be harsh.

I don't know how to interact

I'm lost, oh boy am I lost. I have a linear understanding of interaction with people, vertical for the most part that falls out.  Everyone I have ever met has either progressed far or not at all, in terms of my interaction with them.  I know few people that I would say I hang out with, and a very very select few I will see time to time.

From my school I think I saw 10 people over the summer at most. So many people that I knew that I have virtually no ties with at all.  What a fun time I've had with post central debate, but I wonder if I am casted strictly to an aside, a late comer of sorts? I fell so bad for being a drifter in groups.  Makes me feel like such a prick.  I traveled a very clear route in my head retreating back to previous friends when things go sour. 

I think in a way I ran to someone broken down with I really need friends right now.  Its so sad to see myself as this, exposed onto myself.  How do I not form healthy human interactions? Why am I socialized so differently than most people?

I sound swell, try a relationship. Christ, I'm a train wreck.  I have never interacted with anyone normal, only people as screwed up as me.  So now interaction is awkward, I see Jen for debate and BAH that I do not understand.  Fun time! I guess I was laughing at her? I'm perplexed but she doesn't talk to me at all, around other people, but offers to give me a ride? This is backwards? Maybe? I don't know what to do! I don't know how to interact, I have very specific understandings based off previous to build to a spot.  It's like a knot all attached, my understanding of a person.  I toss out a portion it takes it all, and I am left speechless, confused and flabbergasted.

I can barely talk to my family, how did this happen? I have no idea.

But I'm fairly happy.

Depression and Drugs

There weirdest response I have gotten from people who have read this is to ask me if I am depressed.  Or make an indication towards it, as I have been told I looked depressed and thin. Or that I sound depressed. 

All this talk is really getting me down.  The way I write seems sad? I dunno, maybe I have posted a little bit more to my identity crisis side, I can see how that can bring someone down to just read.  This comes very clearly as a result of my living conditions thought, and drug intake. Under drugs I enter a state of crisis, and rabid paranoia, resulting in a re-questioning fairly often of who I am, and what did I take for granted. What things are violent that I assumed weren't?

This causes me more to write, but it is definitely only one part.  I wonder if what if what is, not drug induced has this effect thought, as that would say interesting things about myself to me. Its the only way I have ever thought is posted on here, my brain extends its thinking process directly to my fingers and is expressed onto words.  I think this is why my explanation of things appears fragmented, its how I think.  It is as thought I have my own system of signifiers and signified inside of my head, for proper nouns or certain things that only I have access to.  This to me strikes as obvious merely after having expressed it.  I don't really censor my thought, so as a reader I apologize, as I can imagine this can make things rather confusing.

I have added a fixing structure to be honest, I go back right click replace misspelt words now. I won't ever look at a line after I have written it in what I write, that probably isn't any good.   All of this avoids the question I intended to examine, am I depressed, thought.   I guess the best way to express how I wish to respond to these concerns is to state the truth, I don't know.  In a much more metaphysical sense than how it sounds, what does it mean to be happy? Is happiness a emotion or a state of mind?  I constantly struggle, if emotions are true or not, do I experince them? Or are they more what the mind tells you you should feel. Are emotions when your mind conflicts with what you do feel and you wish to feel different?

Emotions thus to me are a set of two roads, Brain wants, and Real Emotion. I don't know if they have to be in conflict, or if they are different. That really confuses me, because it poses the question, Could I say that I am happy? I am stuck with a I don't know, rather than a Yes. It seems to me that one could never respond to with that question and say that they don't know and be happy.  It makes me wish my head had a UI (user interface) that would tell me these things, you feel happy, you feel sad, you feel neglected, you feel joyful, you feel vacuous.  

The only time I would really say with certanity I am happy I have been on drugs.  This makes me wonder about what that says about how happy I am in general, or why people do or don't do drugs.

I think that is also some of the demonized notion of drugs speaking inside of me. But what if the demon is right?