Hey hey!

How often do you end up in conversation? I find myself starting to try and communicate more with people, and I am met with a issue. When people do communicate, is their normally decent amounts of time when they say nothing? Is their a need to speak?

One of my favorite lines every was
Mia: Don't you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don't know. That's a good question.
Mia: That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

A beauitfull quote in my mind. I still try and fill the gaps thought, recentally in order to communicate I fill it with jokes that I don't even think are that funny. Maybe I'll get a chuckle? The humour is that they get responses, but not because they are funny. A chuckle maybe after a moment, when it is recognized as a joke, to be like ha that is an attempt.

Gaps in interaction create a weird sort of event, a divide between how well one nows the other becomes formed, seperation occurs. The odd thing is this occurs relative to the normal amount of communication, happy little severings of who we are. Strings aline, but never so fully. I have three examples of this now, Nabihah, Jen, and one other.

With Nabihah time means nothing, a infinitie approach is taken. Four years until a single event becomes discussed, reasonable. So whats a summer? Whats a week? Whats a semster? Nothing signficanct will change inside of those peirods, so conversation can stay for these changes.

With Jen I cut her out. Oddly, I mapped the entierty of my interaction with her out early, and was able to predict key events, shifts in the interaction. I spoke with her for the first time in a month or two, and I am gratefull to maybe be back as a friend. With her, I had the continual problem of becoming re attached when I would talk with her, so the solution was a complete removal. Now it is past, its events that have occured, the line reached a complete and solid end. So I can ask about it, well not so easily. I am scared for preception, I am scared to be precieved. Along with not quite knowing where I should fall, what kind of friend I am? An acquitance? I felt at arms length this time, but I don't think it was my arm that was stretched out.

Than their(fun fact, I have virtually no idea if that is correct) is another. Sure of nothing, confused about all of it it behaves like a game of sorts. Distance confounds the interaction, and makes it more diffcult to read. I don't quite get to cheat like I can when I see someones face. That makes it all the more easier, because if I can look at you I can figure you out...potentialy. So I wonder where this road will take me.

I wonder who I am refering to? Its not even completely clear to myself.

Disaster Again

My laptop screen no longer works! No aim for me, and no communication. A disaster of an event, timing wise. I wonder what effect this will have?

Am I a shitty person?

I'm thinking right now I really am. I feel really very much like a bad human being. Like I expect everything to just fall in front of me. Like my interest in most post modernism is because I am way to lazy to go bother and read all of the history of philosophy. And it must be infinitely more vast and important, that I am a utter prick, undeniable.  That I like being able to see everyone when they are talking makes me a huge asshole, that I seriously messed up in the last few weeks in my feminist philosophy class.   I think it might just be one exposure of the overall issue of who I am. How did I become such a bad person? I can see reading this and thinking of me as a bad person, I think that might be true.

The Most Peculiar Exposure of Hypocrisy

For the longest of time I have felt that it makes sense to keep who I am to myself, that it is private and personal. That the people that matter will be those who are interested enough to ask, to investigate into the hidden recesses. 

Than I am posed with a question, to tell, to tell what is unknown, to tell something hidden.  The question is not of much significance, potentially. Is it a idle question to fill space inside of a empty conversation, as I treated it, or could it be different? 

The lie thought is how I reacted, how I react normally, defensive and still guarding. Skeptical, rather than open faith into potentiality. Someone is curious enough to ask, and I don't respond? How? What am I than? Do I not understand myself? All of this time, i've framed my interaction around if people care to know or not. 

To be fair, there were not many secrets to be shared. As I think you are reading this. This is a lot of me, so much exposed that I don't think I ever told anyone before. Maybe? Aylon help me with that, did you know my dad was a big fan of booze, and spent hours yelling at me? Did that even come out? Are my secrets exposed, or are they still safe? I wonder. 

Towson

Fuck.

Why do we have to hit Towson? And with Nicole judging? BLEH, I am fairly certain this defines screwed. Last time Nicole judged us San Fransico State raped Ronald Regan as Osama Bin Laden to deal with the hetronormative nature of the war on terrorism. Some how THAT was a round winning argument. Moronic.

Towson we debated last at JV nationals. They said racism was bad, we said you ignore native americans and that racism was bad. Judge fucked again. I hate social critique judges, all of the sudden methodology is the only thing that matters.  Nothing matters that could be wrong with what they have said, its only about practical implications. The irony of course being that there are no practical implications inside of debate itself. Teams that decnounce debates racism, become caged animals that people come to watch, the movement is a laughing stock. 

Oh how funny, there argument is they reserve the right to not be foreclosed on what there argument is. Thats fine, what the fuck are you saying than? Prick. Scott, calm down no reason to get upset these kids can't debate (Scott is my partner). The 1ac starts with both of them talking. They aren't making an argument yet and are just going to respond when we make one. Every question I ask is met with both of them talking, very funny.(This seems more negative, why is there so much tension?)

Its my turn to talk and the round might as well be over. How the hell can I get Nicole to vote for us, they haven't said anything yet and we have to make an argument. Shit. Why are they calling me white? Is that who I am? Am I one portion of my existence? Does being white matter more than experience that has treated me as something other than white? Why does being white mean its always involved in my identity.

(I can't stream this one as from my thoughts unfortunately as thats what I did in my speech, I didn't think I just talked)I spoke of my father and alcoholism, of nights spent screaming till about three am. I spoke of my mother breaking down working on 11 dollars an hour with three kids. I spoke of being treated as different for not being aggressive being called a faggot. I spoke of essentialist notions of identity and the bearing on me. I spoke of moving up in the world, and the fear that my mom married for security potentially. I spoke of blurring the lines between oppressor and oppressed, between us and them. I spoke of my dad going to prison and possibly needing therapy.  I did not think we could win. I cried.

I needed this speech, to vocalize my experience to strangers in a way that felt therapeutic to me. Nicole cried too, harder at some points than others. Scott cried, and didn't wish to talk of his experience quite the same when it was his turn. 

After this we made a few arguments 1.They shouldn't just get to say racism is bad, but allow us to respond and thus should not be able to permute what we do (combine our arguments so that we lose 2. That they do not interrogate there relation to oppression and thus render it invisible.

Ultimately, we won. Towson flipped shit. They stormed out of the room without lessoning to the reason why they lost. After words I went to talk to Adam, not because we lost, but because I felt there would be some tension inevitably, I didn't want that. I hope it didn't seem I thought they won (they didn't, they really can't debate =o ). Than things got a little hectic

My Coach:We don't need to argue with them.

He than pulls me away pumping it seems with energy/emotion.

Towson Coach:FUCK OFF!

OU:What did you say to me motherfucker?!

I grab on to OUC, and just pull him away and say its not worth it its not worth it. Tensions are high, anger is flying. 

After the round, and after all of it I felt so much better. So much more free.

=======================

I've come to another conclusion, I am really really screwed when it comes to females. Introverts are of course the best, unfortunately these are the same people that don't show emotion. So a problem confronts me, how do I bridge that gap? Well, the answer is I can't. I similarly avoid showing that sort of emotion. Two interests I had I saw crash and burn, as missouri state shows a remarkable amount of aggression after we beat them again this weekend. An OU debater, I am fairly certain thinks I'm just a weird ass. /sigh.  I wish it was easier to make it obvious without exposing to potential rejection. And shit, I wouldn't know what to do anyways. Oh my life, guess I should work harder on debate.

UCO + Wake=dead

Semis, and 3-3. Fun other stuff to come.

Warning Graphic Images

A odd sign to see today on campus by my library. Confused, I walk forward to see a massive sign. Really? Pro life propaganda 15 feet by 20 feet, surrounded by a metal barricade? Are you fucking kidding me? (by barricade I of course mean hip high fence ) What the fuck.

As I walked closer I hoped it was just some poltically neutral display about the election. But it was all abortion, all abortion is evil.

I lost a lot of faith in OK today.