Incoherent and Proud

Amazing show. We arrived for Man Man, which was alright. Interesting music, enjoyable for sure, about the middle of the crowd, it was hear our migration started. oh you are living? See ya, and thanks for the spot. Slowly slowly till we were 6 rows of people away from the barricade, with of montreal up next. Big fucker blocked me, but whatever. Finally a song break, and Cody says peace and leaves, W00T my last spot, 2 people now away from the barricade, I screamed my heart out, I danced. Let me let that one sink in...I was dancing in public. SInging loudly, blasting lyrics, jumping like a school child.

It was the mot amazing experience i have had in a long time.

====

I've gotten called needy twice now. " I work well with neediness...i just get irritated....so stop being mean to me" That doesn't seem very aggressive to me, but is still pretty upsetting. I do have a lot of attention issues, I'll admit that. I am needy, I have a compulsive call to be recognized and acknowledged, among friends its playing out inside of a very weird way. As some of you know, I am the product of a single mother. Well, maybe you know that. Either way, as I started to go through school so did my mom. She went to college, with three kids on her own. I will never be able to appreciate that stress that has on someone. I had a brilliant method of getting the attention I craved from my mother, as she was always so busy. I would exist! After all, I'm pretty cool. Of course she would notice me! Writing this makes me think of a odd thing to do as a 1st grader or kindergartner, I really loved the song Meet you at the crossroads, by bone thugs and harmony. I would listen to it endlessly on loop, a little odd I think now for someone so young to love a song about death, and about how you won't be lonely when we meet at the crossroads. Well anyways that became my approach for getting attention. One time on a car ride, I got really depressed, I didn't say anything for a few hours. But no one asked why I got so quite...no one seemed to notice or care.

So I did what any rational 8 year old would do at this point. I sneaked off and hide behind the garage, and cryed. I cryed for neglect and how much I hated my life. It took my mom not too long to come and find me, make things better telling me we'd go do something just the two of us (I never forgot this, we didn't) to make it all better.

When I was dating Hannah I developed a odd response. She would push me away physically, so I would refuse to get close to her the rest of the night. I would simply say fine, and go about my marry way. If she doesn't want me around I won't be. This caused her to get quite upset, When she told me to shut up I would do that too. I would over comply with her joke because for some reason it upset me so much. She eventually got very upset that she couldn't figure out what she did that was making me act this way. So I eventually told her. Than one day at a party I think, she pushed me away, and I responded how I would but a beautiful thing happened. She say my response, and immediately grabbed on to me and said no. It made me feel validated like none other.

People cry out for attention sometimes, cut themselves, others say its for attention. Why the fuck aren't they getting it than? Something so simple as time, to validate another person. To tell them they are worth while, good, excellent. Something so small as approval? But its seen as a mark, a burden. A Terrible sin to act of attention, well as someone starved for it fuck off. They don't want the damn world, they want a afternoon. They want a compliment that they look nice, that they are not just a massive pile of dirt. I'm told often that there isn't a normal out there, but than I realized why they were wrong. It was being treated like you were dirt in younger years that mattered. It was destroyed social skills from playing video games, on weekends that makes me different. Ridicule is the word, I experienced it. Its not so bad as to be destroying, but it does shape some things.

I don't know of a more hurtful thing someone could say to me than to call me needy.