My Racism

Its a sad realization when one realizes they are intolerant and discriminatory. I've had to deal with this a bit more as of late, confronted by my predictable discrimination. Religion. It is a nice thing to fight about, but thats the only purpose I have seen for it, the whole world would be better off without any of it. It gets a little less humorous when one of the few people I acctually enjoy being around expresses there desire to become more religious.  This conversation started what turned out to be predictable. Her saying she was going to start wearing a Hijab, and my indication of disagreement, or displeasure maybe is the word.

The immediate response, was that it was predicted I would be the one to raise a negative response to this. Under the notion that I would not want to be seen with someone so muslim. 

That particular statement didn't sit well with me. On some level it is very true, on another it couldn't be farther from the truth. In the sense that it isn't true, I require the word 'muslim' to merely be replaced with the word religious. I find nothing particularly upsetting about Muslims but I'm not the biggest fan of Islam.  I don't care for the political infusion Islam has with the middle east.  To say a state is religious automatically brings the words oppression to the front of my mind. While its a option here, to follow views or not, the notion of the religious state seems something forced in my mind. This lies a problem with me thought, France seems like a beacon screaming to me. With a population of almost 60% that don't think god is real, I feel like a odd sort of connection. A pull towards the smallest portion of the population here that would be all around there. The irony, that seeing france as a community of atheist's shows why it isn't a community of atheists. The dominate narrative of a land no matter what it is, prevents the groupings of communities.  This to me explains why Jewish populations, Italian and Russian populations are so tight nit, because "american" is all that is, but interestingly this isn't a community that bounds together. It does in the notion of the international, but there aren't groups formed around the notion of being white that are strictly positive expressions (I hope) ((and I recognize there are the clans etc. but lets not talk about that)).

Why does religion upset me so much? Its become a priori to me, that religion is a bad thing. I acctually have trouble forming the words to come up with the arguments anymore. I'm a fanatically against as I view religion to be. I write off my anger, and justify my own behavior under the guise of its what was expected anyways. I started talking with her about it and about five minutes in she had to stop to tell me and another to stop being such pricks. Its really not ok for me to be so combative. She says essentially at one point that it is ignorant the way Dawkins and I etc. write off the religious as idiots, millions and millions of people. That they couldn't possibly have internally questioned, posited as we were doing.  This stricts me as odd looking back on it, as I see that religion can have that effect, I don't think one even has to be a idiot for something to go unquestioned to them.  If you agree with it and are always around like minded people there is no reason that it will ever be overcome. If it helps you sleep at night, if it makes the world make sense, why would you ever fight it? 

I've come to a conclusion thought, maybe the smarter religious people I know honestly feel spiritual...I don't even know what that means. I can't even comprhend what it means to feel like there is a god, to feel like the world has purpose and there is truth behind it.  Instead I take my views as baseline. Is it wrong for me to respect people less when they tell me they believe in a god? Is it bad that I burst out laughing in class when someone was talking about there views of heaven? 

I've got to learn to respect different views a lot more. 

Start Up

I honestly wonder who will ever read any of this.  No matter, this is sort of my letter of intent. I have started this so that I could post random bits about my life, post my writings for class, post my thoughts on people I know, and post things that have effected me / do /will etc. Commentary on things I enjoy and things I don't.  First is a bad piece of writing from senior year, Wrote it in thirty minutes, but I some what enjoyed it. Hell, after all its my blog right? I wrote it for my english class so my grade would be bumped up. Lots of spelling errors/grammar errors but oh well.

Am I lost?

I wake up at  11:06 already late to the day of work ahead of me. A quick shower and a comb of my hair (not knowing that this combing wouldn't be good enough). I eat the biscuits and gravy from a new gravy mix, needs more sausage. We drive to Dierbergs to get the cosurage, twelve dollars for three little flowers seems unrasonable, why on earth did I pay that? Bobby told me he payed twenty and he got two flowers on his, I guess it could be worse. Its three o'clock and shes supposed to be here at four, I better get changed. The tux feels nice compared to most suits, most suits are overly hot, but the inner shirt of the tux is remarkably cool, letting the air flow in and out with a nice sensation every time I take off the dress jacket. She calls, late as usual, 5:15? No skin off my back.

Five thirty rolls around and I call her. Shes been crying, but on her way. She gets her at 5:40, her mom went insane over me not being brought over, but her taking photos only over here. Odd, she was supposed to be at Sara's, no matter. Time to force a smile, Ugh, I don't care whats in the background get it over with. Five fifty, and we leave, photos of the make-up and hair are thrust at me in  the form of a digital camera. Sara looks Mexican? Fifty five dollars to get your hair messed up? Jesus Christ. What a waste of money to have it done, declare you hate it and have your makeup guy fix it. Ugh, at least shes driving nice and slow.

Arrival, at six, god we are always late, the dance is at six thirty to seven-ish starting, why does no one bother to be on time to anything? Photo after photo, Aaron looks nice, Sara does look Mexican. Its probably just the change emphasized by the yellow dress. That hat is ridiculous looking, there is a theme to prom? Why is every theme, every prom has revolve around wearing Suits and Tuxes? Does no one have a truly original theme? Why has there never been a theme like, you are a starving artist struggling to get by, or you've just been fired and divorced within the same week of each other. That would make for some interesting dress up. Much more original too. I don't know how to act like I am just her friend, we've been dating for nine months, yet the slightest hint can't be displayed in front of anyone who might suggest it to her Mother. They have to have some sort of clue that its the case...Smile, Smile Smile. Allison and Slovo are hear. I wonder why Adam always calls him slow-mo...well that didn't take long to figure out. Disgusting yellow teeth, ugh. Off to driving, god why can't she ever drive slow? OH MY GOD! She almost ran into two different cars, and if the other person hadn't seen us she would have. Jesus Christ, I feel sick. No its no big deal I'll be fine.

At the hotel. People are checking in and I suddenly feel low class. Why is this at a chain hotel like this is somewhere nice? Do poorer schools have senior dinners at Denny's and dress up for it? I hate feeling really poor, oh well. Already here. Appetizers eh? Lets see...cheese, fruit and soda? Thats it? Appetizer my ass. The cheese is pretty good thought, typical however. Nothing I haven't had before makes me feel a little better.  It's odd seeing everyone dressed up in a tux, its clear who is a moron as they have conveniently given themselves away with a nice white beacon of a tux. Reed pulls it off thought, but hes the exception.

Dinner starts, the salad isn't something I am willing to taste. I hate it, so I eat the desert now instead. Ugh, shortbread? I was really wishing this was cheesecake, but strawberry's are excellent none the less. Dinner arrives, chicken and Jillian asks to get the vegetarian version. Her noodles smell so much better than mine. I want to try it, and she would let me, but it feels odd to ask. Enough with the pictures already, can we go five minutes with out the need to record this instance? Are we so scared that we will forget in a month, or a year? Or are you going to use this as a token of proof to show other people “yeah I was there”? Dancing starts

The dance floor is packed, next to no room is free everyone is around.  I feel awkward dancing, but quickly see that the difference between a ok dancer and a terrible dancer is how much you notice them. Make a similar amount of movement as the people around you and you blend in, congratulations you win. To much or to little, and you stand out. You have failed. I do this for hours, the band is ok. Nothing special, it beings to get repetitive thought, how can anyone find this enjoyable for so long? Its the same thing over and over. Eh, maybe once in a while, I guess I just don't understand. Maybe I'd go back, but $65? jeez, seems a little much. Time to find something new to do. She seems happy, guess it was worth it.