There weirdest response I have gotten from people who have read this is to ask me if I am depressed. Or make an indication towards it, as I have been told I looked depressed and thin. Or that I sound depressed.
All this talk is really getting me down. The way I write seems sad? I dunno, maybe I have posted a little bit more to my identity crisis side, I can see how that can bring someone down to just read. This comes very clearly as a result of my living conditions thought, and drug intake. Under drugs I enter a state of crisis, and rabid paranoia, resulting in a re-questioning fairly often of who I am, and what did I take for granted. What things are violent that I assumed weren't?
This causes me more to write, but it is definitely only one part. I wonder if what if what is, not drug induced has this effect thought, as that would say interesting things about myself to me. Its the only way I have ever thought is posted on here, my brain extends its thinking process directly to my fingers and is expressed onto words. I think this is why my explanation of things appears fragmented, its how I think. It is as thought I have my own system of signifiers and signified inside of my head, for proper nouns or certain things that only I have access to. This to me strikes as obvious merely after having expressed it. I don't really censor my thought, so as a reader I apologize, as I can imagine this can make things rather confusing.
I have added a fixing structure to be honest, I go back right click replace misspelt words now. I won't ever look at a line after I have written it in what I write, that probably isn't any good. All of this avoids the question I intended to examine, am I depressed, thought. I guess the best way to express how I wish to respond to these concerns is to state the truth, I don't know. In a much more metaphysical sense than how it sounds, what does it mean to be happy? Is happiness a emotion or a state of mind? I constantly struggle, if emotions are true or not, do I experince them? Or are they more what the mind tells you you should feel. Are emotions when your mind conflicts with what you do feel and you wish to feel different?
Emotions thus to me are a set of two roads, Brain wants, and Real Emotion. I don't know if they have to be in conflict, or if they are different. That really confuses me, because it poses the question, Could I say that I am happy? I am stuck with a I don't know, rather than a Yes. It seems to me that one could never respond to with that question and say that they don't know and be happy. It makes me wish my head had a UI (user interface) that would tell me these things, you feel happy, you feel sad, you feel neglected, you feel joyful, you feel vacuous.
The only time I would really say with certanity I am happy I have been on drugs. This makes me wonder about what that says about how happy I am in general, or why people do or don't do drugs.
I think that is also some of the demonized notion of drugs speaking inside of me. But what if the demon is right?
