The Broken

This post is awkward and is odd for me. I don't have the ability to express well what i intend to.

I think everyone has a type, and I don't think that's unreasonable to say. A pattern can be figured out about what attracts us to another individual. Personally, I'm in love with someone who has problems. Victims of violence, emotional distress, manic depressive, filled with self hate, nothing sounds more attractive. A friend told me that they liked that I seemed to just erase all of the negative characteristics about something that I liked, I think this statement was wrong thought.



I find myself theoretically enjoying the company of normal people from time to time, someone who hasn't had hardships and it seems pleasant enough. However, I never seem to jive with them. At a olive garden, with some friends of a friend, and I feel incredibly isolated from conversation, no real reason. Solidly different not able to fit in. The guy to my right jokes about people being what he calls "Choches"? or something, essentially the stereotypical frat boy. IT seems obvious to me that this guy fits into my mind what they would be. I've never seen him without a shirt with a collar on, and his mannerisms speak money to me. The girl to my left, told some story about her friends getting a salad at a country club. Who goes to country clubs? What could be worse than a area closed off from people primarily because of the cost that prevents you from attending there?



Oddly that last statement describes every where I go to another person.



These people are nice enough, but I put next to no value in my interaction with them. However, they aren't unpleasant. The issue I have with them is that they don't have problems. This is the easiest connector I have with other individuals in this world. Most people I enjoy being around fall into a nice little category I like to call broken. If you have had something happen to you that makes you uncomfortable to talk about, or something you don't openly disclose you are broken.

If you are anti-social and would prefer to go without the communication of most people, and sit there and wonder "Why is this person talking" you are broken. Along with probably a hundred other things, its a nice little group of people. If you get attached to people easily, you are probably closeted broken.



In middle school, one of the things people did was develop a eating disorder or cut themselves. I guess at least my perception based off the few people I interacted with. One of the things outsiders to those groups would say is that "Oh, they are only doing it for attention, they aren't really going to kill themselves". Nothing has seemed worse to me than that last statement (Ok that's hyperbole). It's like someone watching someone get the shit kicked out of them and doing nothing because murder isn't the intent. Why isn't someone who mutilates there body because they feel so starved for attention not worth that attention? Why is such a small thing as affection forbidden for them because they aren't well adjusted?



And that describes my first relationship. It turns out that is a level of broken where its not healthy to interact in order to fulfill there needs. That one really must care about themselves first, in order to have a healthy interaction. This however made me find my type I think, the friends that I want and the relationships I engage in.



Years later, and most everyone I have interacted with romantically or similarly at all, is a little fucked up to very fucked up. I miss being the person someone went to crying after a particularly fucked up interaction with there parents. Confided in, told their dark secerts, the invisible demons hiding under the shell they showed off to everyone. Nothing is as happy as holding that person close. Falling asleep with them, being close as they work through the issues in there life, being an anchor of safety one can set themselves to. Someone to share there pain, be they body issues or other. (I like tangents if you haven't caught on) Nothing is more attractive than someone who has body image issues naked. To expose there faults to another individual, to bare wittiness to eyes that pass judgement on every crease potentially. Willing vulnerability, nothing is more in danger than a naked person. Nothing keeps them safe. I love nothing more than to embrace that. Nothing feels better than to ease those woes, to be as close as possible. To love there insecurity, to love there history, to love there problems. (Love isn't real.) Its unfortunate that I can't ever express this properly to these people inside of my life's, its not that I ignore whats wrong with them. Its that's exactly what I like about them.