Towson

Fuck.

Why do we have to hit Towson? And with Nicole judging? BLEH, I am fairly certain this defines screwed. Last time Nicole judged us San Fransico State raped Ronald Regan as Osama Bin Laden to deal with the hetronormative nature of the war on terrorism. Some how THAT was a round winning argument. Moronic.

Towson we debated last at JV nationals. They said racism was bad, we said you ignore native americans and that racism was bad. Judge fucked again. I hate social critique judges, all of the sudden methodology is the only thing that matters.  Nothing matters that could be wrong with what they have said, its only about practical implications. The irony of course being that there are no practical implications inside of debate itself. Teams that decnounce debates racism, become caged animals that people come to watch, the movement is a laughing stock. 

Oh how funny, there argument is they reserve the right to not be foreclosed on what there argument is. Thats fine, what the fuck are you saying than? Prick. Scott, calm down no reason to get upset these kids can't debate (Scott is my partner). The 1ac starts with both of them talking. They aren't making an argument yet and are just going to respond when we make one. Every question I ask is met with both of them talking, very funny.(This seems more negative, why is there so much tension?)

Its my turn to talk and the round might as well be over. How the hell can I get Nicole to vote for us, they haven't said anything yet and we have to make an argument. Shit. Why are they calling me white? Is that who I am? Am I one portion of my existence? Does being white matter more than experience that has treated me as something other than white? Why does being white mean its always involved in my identity.

(I can't stream this one as from my thoughts unfortunately as thats what I did in my speech, I didn't think I just talked)I spoke of my father and alcoholism, of nights spent screaming till about three am. I spoke of my mother breaking down working on 11 dollars an hour with three kids. I spoke of being treated as different for not being aggressive being called a faggot. I spoke of essentialist notions of identity and the bearing on me. I spoke of moving up in the world, and the fear that my mom married for security potentially. I spoke of blurring the lines between oppressor and oppressed, between us and them. I spoke of my dad going to prison and possibly needing therapy.  I did not think we could win. I cried.

I needed this speech, to vocalize my experience to strangers in a way that felt therapeutic to me. Nicole cried too, harder at some points than others. Scott cried, and didn't wish to talk of his experience quite the same when it was his turn. 

After this we made a few arguments 1.They shouldn't just get to say racism is bad, but allow us to respond and thus should not be able to permute what we do (combine our arguments so that we lose 2. That they do not interrogate there relation to oppression and thus render it invisible.

Ultimately, we won. Towson flipped shit. They stormed out of the room without lessoning to the reason why they lost. After words I went to talk to Adam, not because we lost, but because I felt there would be some tension inevitably, I didn't want that. I hope it didn't seem I thought they won (they didn't, they really can't debate =o ). Than things got a little hectic

My Coach:We don't need to argue with them.

He than pulls me away pumping it seems with energy/emotion.

Towson Coach:FUCK OFF!

OU:What did you say to me motherfucker?!

I grab on to OUC, and just pull him away and say its not worth it its not worth it. Tensions are high, anger is flying. 

After the round, and after all of it I felt so much better. So much more free.

=======================

I've come to another conclusion, I am really really screwed when it comes to females. Introverts are of course the best, unfortunately these are the same people that don't show emotion. So a problem confronts me, how do I bridge that gap? Well, the answer is I can't. I similarly avoid showing that sort of emotion. Two interests I had I saw crash and burn, as missouri state shows a remarkable amount of aggression after we beat them again this weekend. An OU debater, I am fairly certain thinks I'm just a weird ass. /sigh.  I wish it was easier to make it obvious without exposing to potential rejection. And shit, I wouldn't know what to do anyways. Oh my life, guess I should work harder on debate.