Introvert and Social Interaction

Its weird as hell to try and interact with anyone you don't know really well.  I have the constant feeling with people I talk to that my presence is not wanted, and that I am a burden merely by being around them.  As a result I am never comfortable, I am always figidity, always jumpy concerned that I am unwelcome.  If someone were to hit me in the face for what appeared to be no reason, I would assume a rational explanation behind it.

More and more, I am looking at this in relation to my interaction with my dad. I wouldn't go so far to say that I was abused, but rest assured it fucked me up pretty good.  I feel odd, I have only ever described it inside of a neutral tone, I rush thought saying events that were negative and put a somewhat positive spin on it.  I say I lived with my family inside of a trailer in southern Illinois, before we moved to carbondale. 

I don't say, I lived in a trailer with my mother because she was petrified of where her life had taken her. Sitting on a divorce with a achoolic who she felt compelled to leave for us, because our life was fucked.  My dad was kicked out of his previous job, and had some sort of criminal conviction, that I still don't know the details on.  So we lived off my Grandmother's measily salary as a governmental employee where she helped the disabled grandfather.  It was a lovely situation.  I remember playing a lot of video games at this point in my life, I am pretty sure based off later conversation my mom spent this time petrified and crying. 

I don't know if that effects who I am, or how, but I am sure it does.  I didn't have a lot of social interaction with other kids at this time, so I think my skills were low before I moved into actual schools.

Teasing was a fun thing, LET ME TELL YOU. That sucked. My general problems now socially I think are as follows...

Thinking negative things are acctually nice to say

Unable to operate a phone to call someone to do something

Unable to communicate on the phone with a somewhat well adjusted individual

Forgetting to mention things that are key to what I am saying that others might not know

Unable to communicate in general with people in simple conversation

Unable to have small talk about normal issues

Unable to mediate between thoughts that are reasonable and those that are not

Having virtually no tact at all

Unable to see who is socially awkward (Pro tip:Anyone who can actually talk with me is socially awkward)

INSANELY Paranoid, like to a extreme degree

Thinking I am a burden upon everyone I interact with

These are things last year I wanted to fix, now I don't know if I do.  I'm ok and content with it, but maybe I'm not? Its like when I think about if I suffer from depression. What if I am depressed and just don't know it, and meds could make me all "better"? What if I'm actually happy and just don't know it and the meds would make me worse?

Normal scares me, but its about as scary as being weird and not knowing it. I wish people had thought bubbles and you could just see what others honestly thought of you. Would make my life easier.