TIme Constraints

I hate them very much.

I leave so soon, but there is so much to do.

Making Friends

I'm wondering if I've never been very good at the making friends because of some simple choices. I didn't interact with other kids until I entered pre school. Quite, I just kept to myself. Away I took a hands off approach to interacting with everyone else.

This naturally made me the most popular kid around, everyone would flock to come and talk with me.

Or at least in my mind that was the case. Instead I developed something else, a large sense of fantasy. I just imagine more ideal situations, interactions, a world where things go well.

Why do people approach each other? What makes one speak to another? I've never understood it. As a child it is the time to learn this talent, I am very upset I did not. Ultimately I met people by having class, where interaction was easily forced.

College has been a similliar event, but this time I've phased into the wall. I am anonymous and unknown. Its nice to tell myself that this is a healthy interaction with the world, but I can't even pretend to believe it.

"Can Sally come out to play?"
"Maybe"
"Well that would be great"
"No, she can not"
"...Are you sure?"
"Maybe...On third thought no"

I wish to go and eat dirt, or bury my head in the sand. At least that would make everything else more clear. Than it hits me, I DO eat dirt. I just wasn't aware it was dirt I was eating.

Protect Marriage; Ban Divorce

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... by Jack Black

Pro-Active

A foreign devil of a word. Who is productive for them selfs? How could one possibly know what they need to do? Its always been a bit of a un state concept that undercuts my being. How would one know when one should express, vs. hold back? Work vs. blow off?

I realized what it was, was not caring about the difference. Working on everything, leads to good results.

Than I learned how I can cheat. A magical little pill that makes me more social, and also makes me work? I express myself possibly redundantly and rantishly, but thats because people don't care to hear.

I don't care what happens. I might fail, I might fall into addiction. But whats the opposite side? I might succeed?

The wager is my body. The prize is happiness. How can I not throw the dice?

Hey hey!

How often do you end up in conversation? I find myself starting to try and communicate more with people, and I am met with a issue. When people do communicate, is their normally decent amounts of time when they say nothing? Is their a need to speak?

One of my favorite lines every was
Mia: Don't you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don't know. That's a good question.
Mia: That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

A beauitfull quote in my mind. I still try and fill the gaps thought, recentally in order to communicate I fill it with jokes that I don't even think are that funny. Maybe I'll get a chuckle? The humour is that they get responses, but not because they are funny. A chuckle maybe after a moment, when it is recognized as a joke, to be like ha that is an attempt.

Gaps in interaction create a weird sort of event, a divide between how well one nows the other becomes formed, seperation occurs. The odd thing is this occurs relative to the normal amount of communication, happy little severings of who we are. Strings aline, but never so fully. I have three examples of this now, Nabihah, Jen, and one other.

With Nabihah time means nothing, a infinitie approach is taken. Four years until a single event becomes discussed, reasonable. So whats a summer? Whats a week? Whats a semster? Nothing signficanct will change inside of those peirods, so conversation can stay for these changes.

With Jen I cut her out. Oddly, I mapped the entierty of my interaction with her out early, and was able to predict key events, shifts in the interaction. I spoke with her for the first time in a month or two, and I am gratefull to maybe be back as a friend. With her, I had the continual problem of becoming re attached when I would talk with her, so the solution was a complete removal. Now it is past, its events that have occured, the line reached a complete and solid end. So I can ask about it, well not so easily. I am scared for preception, I am scared to be precieved. Along with not quite knowing where I should fall, what kind of friend I am? An acquitance? I felt at arms length this time, but I don't think it was my arm that was stretched out.

Than their(fun fact, I have virtually no idea if that is correct) is another. Sure of nothing, confused about all of it it behaves like a game of sorts. Distance confounds the interaction, and makes it more diffcult to read. I don't quite get to cheat like I can when I see someones face. That makes it all the more easier, because if I can look at you I can figure you out...potentialy. So I wonder where this road will take me.

I wonder who I am refering to? Its not even completely clear to myself.

Disaster Again

My laptop screen no longer works! No aim for me, and no communication. A disaster of an event, timing wise. I wonder what effect this will have?

Am I a shitty person?

I'm thinking right now I really am. I feel really very much like a bad human being. Like I expect everything to just fall in front of me. Like my interest in most post modernism is because I am way to lazy to go bother and read all of the history of philosophy. And it must be infinitely more vast and important, that I am a utter prick, undeniable.  That I like being able to see everyone when they are talking makes me a huge asshole, that I seriously messed up in the last few weeks in my feminist philosophy class.   I think it might just be one exposure of the overall issue of who I am. How did I become such a bad person? I can see reading this and thinking of me as a bad person, I think that might be true.