TIme Constraints

I hate them very much.

I leave so soon, but there is so much to do.

Making Friends

I'm wondering if I've never been very good at the making friends because of some simple choices. I didn't interact with other kids until I entered pre school. Quite, I just kept to myself. Away I took a hands off approach to interacting with everyone else.

This naturally made me the most popular kid around, everyone would flock to come and talk with me.

Or at least in my mind that was the case. Instead I developed something else, a large sense of fantasy. I just imagine more ideal situations, interactions, a world where things go well.

Why do people approach each other? What makes one speak to another? I've never understood it. As a child it is the time to learn this talent, I am very upset I did not. Ultimately I met people by having class, where interaction was easily forced.

College has been a similliar event, but this time I've phased into the wall. I am anonymous and unknown. Its nice to tell myself that this is a healthy interaction with the world, but I can't even pretend to believe it.

"Can Sally come out to play?"
"Maybe"
"Well that would be great"
"No, she can not"
"...Are you sure?"
"Maybe...On third thought no"

I wish to go and eat dirt, or bury my head in the sand. At least that would make everything else more clear. Than it hits me, I DO eat dirt. I just wasn't aware it was dirt I was eating.

Protect Marriage; Ban Divorce

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... by Jack Black

Pro-Active

A foreign devil of a word. Who is productive for them selfs? How could one possibly know what they need to do? Its always been a bit of a un state concept that undercuts my being. How would one know when one should express, vs. hold back? Work vs. blow off?

I realized what it was, was not caring about the difference. Working on everything, leads to good results.

Than I learned how I can cheat. A magical little pill that makes me more social, and also makes me work? I express myself possibly redundantly and rantishly, but thats because people don't care to hear.

I don't care what happens. I might fail, I might fall into addiction. But whats the opposite side? I might succeed?

The wager is my body. The prize is happiness. How can I not throw the dice?

Hey hey!

How often do you end up in conversation? I find myself starting to try and communicate more with people, and I am met with a issue. When people do communicate, is their normally decent amounts of time when they say nothing? Is their a need to speak?

One of my favorite lines every was
Mia: Don't you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don't know. That's a good question.
Mia: That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

A beauitfull quote in my mind. I still try and fill the gaps thought, recentally in order to communicate I fill it with jokes that I don't even think are that funny. Maybe I'll get a chuckle? The humour is that they get responses, but not because they are funny. A chuckle maybe after a moment, when it is recognized as a joke, to be like ha that is an attempt.

Gaps in interaction create a weird sort of event, a divide between how well one nows the other becomes formed, seperation occurs. The odd thing is this occurs relative to the normal amount of communication, happy little severings of who we are. Strings aline, but never so fully. I have three examples of this now, Nabihah, Jen, and one other.

With Nabihah time means nothing, a infinitie approach is taken. Four years until a single event becomes discussed, reasonable. So whats a summer? Whats a week? Whats a semster? Nothing signficanct will change inside of those peirods, so conversation can stay for these changes.

With Jen I cut her out. Oddly, I mapped the entierty of my interaction with her out early, and was able to predict key events, shifts in the interaction. I spoke with her for the first time in a month or two, and I am gratefull to maybe be back as a friend. With her, I had the continual problem of becoming re attached when I would talk with her, so the solution was a complete removal. Now it is past, its events that have occured, the line reached a complete and solid end. So I can ask about it, well not so easily. I am scared for preception, I am scared to be precieved. Along with not quite knowing where I should fall, what kind of friend I am? An acquitance? I felt at arms length this time, but I don't think it was my arm that was stretched out.

Than their(fun fact, I have virtually no idea if that is correct) is another. Sure of nothing, confused about all of it it behaves like a game of sorts. Distance confounds the interaction, and makes it more diffcult to read. I don't quite get to cheat like I can when I see someones face. That makes it all the more easier, because if I can look at you I can figure you out...potentialy. So I wonder where this road will take me.

I wonder who I am refering to? Its not even completely clear to myself.

Disaster Again

My laptop screen no longer works! No aim for me, and no communication. A disaster of an event, timing wise. I wonder what effect this will have?

Am I a shitty person?

I'm thinking right now I really am. I feel really very much like a bad human being. Like I expect everything to just fall in front of me. Like my interest in most post modernism is because I am way to lazy to go bother and read all of the history of philosophy. And it must be infinitely more vast and important, that I am a utter prick, undeniable.  That I like being able to see everyone when they are talking makes me a huge asshole, that I seriously messed up in the last few weeks in my feminist philosophy class.   I think it might just be one exposure of the overall issue of who I am. How did I become such a bad person? I can see reading this and thinking of me as a bad person, I think that might be true.

The Most Peculiar Exposure of Hypocrisy

For the longest of time I have felt that it makes sense to keep who I am to myself, that it is private and personal. That the people that matter will be those who are interested enough to ask, to investigate into the hidden recesses. 

Than I am posed with a question, to tell, to tell what is unknown, to tell something hidden.  The question is not of much significance, potentially. Is it a idle question to fill space inside of a empty conversation, as I treated it, or could it be different? 

The lie thought is how I reacted, how I react normally, defensive and still guarding. Skeptical, rather than open faith into potentiality. Someone is curious enough to ask, and I don't respond? How? What am I than? Do I not understand myself? All of this time, i've framed my interaction around if people care to know or not. 

To be fair, there were not many secrets to be shared. As I think you are reading this. This is a lot of me, so much exposed that I don't think I ever told anyone before. Maybe? Aylon help me with that, did you know my dad was a big fan of booze, and spent hours yelling at me? Did that even come out? Are my secrets exposed, or are they still safe? I wonder. 

Towson

Fuck.

Why do we have to hit Towson? And with Nicole judging? BLEH, I am fairly certain this defines screwed. Last time Nicole judged us San Fransico State raped Ronald Regan as Osama Bin Laden to deal with the hetronormative nature of the war on terrorism. Some how THAT was a round winning argument. Moronic.

Towson we debated last at JV nationals. They said racism was bad, we said you ignore native americans and that racism was bad. Judge fucked again. I hate social critique judges, all of the sudden methodology is the only thing that matters.  Nothing matters that could be wrong with what they have said, its only about practical implications. The irony of course being that there are no practical implications inside of debate itself. Teams that decnounce debates racism, become caged animals that people come to watch, the movement is a laughing stock. 

Oh how funny, there argument is they reserve the right to not be foreclosed on what there argument is. Thats fine, what the fuck are you saying than? Prick. Scott, calm down no reason to get upset these kids can't debate (Scott is my partner). The 1ac starts with both of them talking. They aren't making an argument yet and are just going to respond when we make one. Every question I ask is met with both of them talking, very funny.(This seems more negative, why is there so much tension?)

Its my turn to talk and the round might as well be over. How the hell can I get Nicole to vote for us, they haven't said anything yet and we have to make an argument. Shit. Why are they calling me white? Is that who I am? Am I one portion of my existence? Does being white matter more than experience that has treated me as something other than white? Why does being white mean its always involved in my identity.

(I can't stream this one as from my thoughts unfortunately as thats what I did in my speech, I didn't think I just talked)I spoke of my father and alcoholism, of nights spent screaming till about three am. I spoke of my mother breaking down working on 11 dollars an hour with three kids. I spoke of being treated as different for not being aggressive being called a faggot. I spoke of essentialist notions of identity and the bearing on me. I spoke of moving up in the world, and the fear that my mom married for security potentially. I spoke of blurring the lines between oppressor and oppressed, between us and them. I spoke of my dad going to prison and possibly needing therapy.  I did not think we could win. I cried.

I needed this speech, to vocalize my experience to strangers in a way that felt therapeutic to me. Nicole cried too, harder at some points than others. Scott cried, and didn't wish to talk of his experience quite the same when it was his turn. 

After this we made a few arguments 1.They shouldn't just get to say racism is bad, but allow us to respond and thus should not be able to permute what we do (combine our arguments so that we lose 2. That they do not interrogate there relation to oppression and thus render it invisible.

Ultimately, we won. Towson flipped shit. They stormed out of the room without lessoning to the reason why they lost. After words I went to talk to Adam, not because we lost, but because I felt there would be some tension inevitably, I didn't want that. I hope it didn't seem I thought they won (they didn't, they really can't debate =o ). Than things got a little hectic

My Coach:We don't need to argue with them.

He than pulls me away pumping it seems with energy/emotion.

Towson Coach:FUCK OFF!

OU:What did you say to me motherfucker?!

I grab on to OUC, and just pull him away and say its not worth it its not worth it. Tensions are high, anger is flying. 

After the round, and after all of it I felt so much better. So much more free.

=======================

I've come to another conclusion, I am really really screwed when it comes to females. Introverts are of course the best, unfortunately these are the same people that don't show emotion. So a problem confronts me, how do I bridge that gap? Well, the answer is I can't. I similarly avoid showing that sort of emotion. Two interests I had I saw crash and burn, as missouri state shows a remarkable amount of aggression after we beat them again this weekend. An OU debater, I am fairly certain thinks I'm just a weird ass. /sigh.  I wish it was easier to make it obvious without exposing to potential rejection. And shit, I wouldn't know what to do anyways. Oh my life, guess I should work harder on debate.

UCO + Wake=dead

Semis, and 3-3. Fun other stuff to come.

Warning Graphic Images

A odd sign to see today on campus by my library. Confused, I walk forward to see a massive sign. Really? Pro life propaganda 15 feet by 20 feet, surrounded by a metal barricade? Are you fucking kidding me? (by barricade I of course mean hip high fence ) What the fuck.

As I walked closer I hoped it was just some poltically neutral display about the election. But it was all abortion, all abortion is evil.

I lost a lot of faith in OK today.

Debate its kind of like a life but not quite

The second tournament I went to, KCKCC, gives me a weekend and a birthday debating abstract high theory. None of these rounds are really worth while, debate has gotten a lot easier when a simple realization occurred. Debate is essentially won by the team that makes an argument that is responsive.  Reading Nietzsche has made this rather apparent, the rounds where we have a real response is few and far between. So no worries, but a interesting thing happened this tournament. I stopped talking to Jen, not of a lot of significance to this in and of itself. But a weird revelation, she is getting married to Cole or something.

I want to talk about this not because I care for Jen, but because this is the dumbest thing I have heard in a very long term. Can this space even exist as legitimate? Here is why I posture this. At the start of 2008 Jen was dating this guy Austin Vance who she had been in a relationship with for three years. She breaks up with him,  and gets involved with Shae for about a period of two months.  This then move into a involvement with me for another two months, than involvement over the summer for another month. So we are looking at about 5 or 6 months. We break up because she has never been single (sorta ) true. She starts dating Cole,  and has been dating for oh I don't know 3 months.  

This leads me to a desire, to express that I think this interaction is beyond FUCKING RETARDED. Ok, reality check, if you have not NOT been involved with someone since you are sixteen you fundamentally are unable to see your investment inside of a need for another human being. Rooted and stuck to other people. Oh, and I forgot something she was also sorta involved with Ben. Nice little list I think, so we have that than switching from person to person. I sort of understand where this comes from thought, Cole seems to say what is the traditional thing that people want to hear, "Bleh I love you, your my one and only", you know really stupid shit that is fundamentally hollow. Literal expression as a means of true expression?  PFFT. I am almost 90% how this relationship started too, casual sex of course. Because you know, THAT is a realistic thing to do.

So other than that, a side note about Cole, that just proves I am correct. The other day I saw cole pick up Jen in his suv. A lexus SUV. Lexus Suv=prick. Really, I don't need to do anymore work on that argument. Anyone who drives a Lexus Suv is fundamentally not a worth while human being, especially in college.

I used to argue with Jen about if she was dependent on having a male in her life, I actually suggested she didn't. I am pretty sure I was wrong.

So moving on,  debate as life yo. I got home on monday, sleep past my class, than BAM, debate is only a few days away again.   This tournament was a little less successful ( we dropped in octos, where we were in semis of the previous one), but new arguments are quite a bit of fun.

Nietzsche, Heidegger, and Schmitt are the only arguments we have read this year.

Schmitt is my new favorite nazi, the argument is that we need to identify people inside of the community as enemy, to draw a arbitrary line in the sand. This should be grounded as still human, but different to frame community in terms of those that are enemy. To fail to do this is to allow a definition of humanity, that allows wars in the name of humanity justifying total annihilation. War is a inevitability, and not something that can be prevented, so Schmitt reframes war in a way that makes war manageable.

He was also a hardcore Nazi. Not like Heidegger, who wasn't really a Nazi, Schmitt was a legit Nazi.

Oh well.

I am screwed also. Every girl I seem to get interested in confuses and confounds me. I can't seem to make any movement forward, ones that I find attractive I can't speak to. Others have boyfriends, bah I wish I wasn't so diss empowering to myself

Edit:I am conflicted about leaving this up. And editing this back in is a pain in the ass, so I am just going to leave it here I guess

Failure

If you had to use one word to sum up your life what would you use? So far I think failure works best for me.

This isn't a negative thing thought, everything I touch and interact with turning to shit.  Its quite the opposite, its all I could ever wish for. Nothing is so serious that I can't brush it to the side eventually, any mistake is a joke in the tragic comedy of my life. I've got such reinforcement for it, most people around me are failures. Failures, with the only real difference being there view towards failure. 

High school was the biggest failure I can put to my name to date.  I think in middle school I started the " I'll work next year" mantra for anything I had to do. So much for that one, now OU is my place of rest, with a student body that is almost 90% from OK. Thats not fair, I think I would dislike them no matter what state they were from. Inside of my creek class one of the girls in the back is beyond retarded.  Everything in class, is here reading what iswritten down, in front of me I have frat boys. Oh what fun, one of them actually  literally  had a shirt with a girl flashing at a frat event on the back. Stars to make it just a little socially acceptable, just a little. Enough to get away with the "Nothing wrong with it", to level criticism. I wish someone would punch him in the face.

I fail at getting over people.  I think a week ago, I fondly recalled time with Rita. It wasn't so much the constant fooling around I missed or thought of though. It was the winter watching heroes underneath a down comforter. Her falling asleep on top of me, just laying there doing nothing.  It makes me think of that time so fondly, and wonderfully.  Time free to be a couple, space to act like one. I was sick once, shortly after telling her this she rang my doorbell, hands my hot chocolate and runs away.  The best part about it was that that was my tactic for affection, to do something good and than get the fuck out of there as fast as possible. With a particular girl, I tryed it first and it was golden as much as it was childish. After a long conversation, (aren't they all?) I had to go eat. But I must make a stand! So I spurrted out a true sentence over AIM. "I think you are beautiful, and you don't hear it enough" Followed quickly with me jamming in the keys as fast as possible to make an excuse to run away. Failure is the expected result for doing something good, so we run from success. 

Failure is great, its kind of why the venture brothers is the greatest show ever.

Another memory before I go. In lab I sat next to Rita argued with her about pretty much everything. My goal (as arrogant as it was), was to convert her to her true potential, mostly that of being a liberal. I had two crusades that I argued with about people inside of high school, Abortion and Gay Rights. That little back log is irrelevant, but establishes my relationship antagonistic friend from lab.  Than one day she said her favorite chocolate, and it spurred a argument of chocolate vs. candy.  She enjoyed her flirting with me, and I with her so whatever (she also loves chocolate). Than her birthday was soon, and I said I would get her something to be nice.  So I went and bought this particular type of chocolate. Alas! Shyly I giver her a birthday present, the response, "Uh thanks". Flabbergasted and embrased out of my mind, I call her a jurk and leave. I didn't go to lab for three days after that, debate claims mostly to avoid admitting anything.  Months later we talked about that while we were together, and she told me that she was shocked, I had not only remembered her birthday and gotten her something, but I had also taken notice of the one time she had said something was her favorite and got her that.  I wish I could do more actions like that, its kind of why I like broken people.  Something as obvious and self evident to me was shocking to her. That she was a worthwhile person, and it is worth listening to everything she had to say. This and one other event she told me is the reason she started to like me at first, that ones a time for another day thought.

Depressing Call

I get a call from my dad, (he is in prison) every Wednesday. The biggest problem is he is so happy to speak to me, wants so badly to heard about my life. Unfortunately, all I have to say is "yea debate", grades and I am eating.  I want to do somethings solely so I can be like I'm doing X and Y went to see blah.

But i've got nothing, so the conversation cuts short. And I don't know how to stop it.

Always and Forever

Shooting myself in the foot.  Tests, debate, and everything else. This is going to be harsh.

I don't know how to interact

I'm lost, oh boy am I lost. I have a linear understanding of interaction with people, vertical for the most part that falls out.  Everyone I have ever met has either progressed far or not at all, in terms of my interaction with them.  I know few people that I would say I hang out with, and a very very select few I will see time to time.

From my school I think I saw 10 people over the summer at most. So many people that I knew that I have virtually no ties with at all.  What a fun time I've had with post central debate, but I wonder if I am casted strictly to an aside, a late comer of sorts? I fell so bad for being a drifter in groups.  Makes me feel like such a prick.  I traveled a very clear route in my head retreating back to previous friends when things go sour. 

I think in a way I ran to someone broken down with I really need friends right now.  Its so sad to see myself as this, exposed onto myself.  How do I not form healthy human interactions? Why am I socialized so differently than most people?

I sound swell, try a relationship. Christ, I'm a train wreck.  I have never interacted with anyone normal, only people as screwed up as me.  So now interaction is awkward, I see Jen for debate and BAH that I do not understand.  Fun time! I guess I was laughing at her? I'm perplexed but she doesn't talk to me at all, around other people, but offers to give me a ride? This is backwards? Maybe? I don't know what to do! I don't know how to interact, I have very specific understandings based off previous to build to a spot.  It's like a knot all attached, my understanding of a person.  I toss out a portion it takes it all, and I am left speechless, confused and flabbergasted.

I can barely talk to my family, how did this happen? I have no idea.

But I'm fairly happy.

Depression and Drugs

There weirdest response I have gotten from people who have read this is to ask me if I am depressed.  Or make an indication towards it, as I have been told I looked depressed and thin. Or that I sound depressed. 

All this talk is really getting me down.  The way I write seems sad? I dunno, maybe I have posted a little bit more to my identity crisis side, I can see how that can bring someone down to just read.  This comes very clearly as a result of my living conditions thought, and drug intake. Under drugs I enter a state of crisis, and rabid paranoia, resulting in a re-questioning fairly often of who I am, and what did I take for granted. What things are violent that I assumed weren't?

This causes me more to write, but it is definitely only one part.  I wonder if what if what is, not drug induced has this effect thought, as that would say interesting things about myself to me. Its the only way I have ever thought is posted on here, my brain extends its thinking process directly to my fingers and is expressed onto words.  I think this is why my explanation of things appears fragmented, its how I think.  It is as thought I have my own system of signifiers and signified inside of my head, for proper nouns or certain things that only I have access to.  This to me strikes as obvious merely after having expressed it.  I don't really censor my thought, so as a reader I apologize, as I can imagine this can make things rather confusing.

I have added a fixing structure to be honest, I go back right click replace misspelt words now. I won't ever look at a line after I have written it in what I write, that probably isn't any good.   All of this avoids the question I intended to examine, am I depressed, thought.   I guess the best way to express how I wish to respond to these concerns is to state the truth, I don't know.  In a much more metaphysical sense than how it sounds, what does it mean to be happy? Is happiness a emotion or a state of mind?  I constantly struggle, if emotions are true or not, do I experince them? Or are they more what the mind tells you you should feel. Are emotions when your mind conflicts with what you do feel and you wish to feel different?

Emotions thus to me are a set of two roads, Brain wants, and Real Emotion. I don't know if they have to be in conflict, or if they are different. That really confuses me, because it poses the question, Could I say that I am happy? I am stuck with a I don't know, rather than a Yes. It seems to me that one could never respond to with that question and say that they don't know and be happy.  It makes me wish my head had a UI (user interface) that would tell me these things, you feel happy, you feel sad, you feel neglected, you feel joyful, you feel vacuous.  

The only time I would really say with certanity I am happy I have been on drugs.  This makes me wonder about what that says about how happy I am in general, or why people do or don't do drugs.

I think that is also some of the demonized notion of drugs speaking inside of me. But what if the demon is right?

Happy

Rant goes "really truly with her whole entire heart, does Echo hate somebody?"

I go, doesn't Rant mean "love"?

And Rant shrugs and says, " Ain't it the same thing?"

-Rant

The Epic Battle

The Video Games Vs. The Girl

(At least in my experience) 

This is a classic battleground that I have watched many times inside of the past, slaps, yelling, phones, and above all death. Ok maybe not, but this is still pretty hilarious to watch. Everywhere is a potential battleground, ever place a potential battle. In fact this very evening I sit, having watched a epic clash having gone down, thankfully everyone left of this battle happy. 

Tonight we had, Charlie-i-don't-know vs. Michael-game addict. Tonight Charlie comes in from, a good hour or so away.  Michael comes in from the band practice, and the fight is on.  The night starts easy enough, Michael and Charlie go out to get something to eat, and come back to myself playing Metal Gear Solid 4. The suggestion is made by him to play some brawl, Charlie does not wish to play herself. A good three matches in, which is roughly 10-minutes, Charlie simply is staring at Michael, and the gauntlet is thrown...

"What do you want me to pay attention to you know?"

"No"

A quick start off, Michael declares at the start of the next match it will be his last, promptly, finishes and asks Charlie what she wants to do. She doesn't know thought, so Michael throws the next strike.   

"Want to play?"

A trick ment to include but really is just another excuse to feed the habit.  She says no, so he says what do you want to do than, and again she has nothing.  Michael picks up the controller once more. About this time, half way through the match, Charlie leaves and goes into another room.

I feel obligated to cut in, I tell him straightly, he is inept. Also somewhat of a dipshit. After words, Michael leaves and meets the locked door, of anger.  He than wins the battle with one quick word toss " If you don't unlock it i'll just go back to playing video games". The door gets unlocked shortly after. 

Everyone appears to have one somewhat, (slash the loser seems to be somewhat alright)

This is not a uncommon event, I have witnessed it many times before.  In the Past a friend of mine, lets call him Oleg. Oleg is a damn good looking fellow, works out and plays hockey, a big pretty boy.  Naturally he hangs out with me, because thats my type of friend (HA).  One night, three weeks after Resident Evil 4 is released, a challenger approaches. This time its Oleg's girlfriend calling on a friday night, the cell phone rings and its a duel she doesn't even know about.

Oleg has lightning fast reflexes, opens the phone and gets right to work. Oleg quickly goes into the small talk before she suggests hanging out, instantly he has his response. "Uh, crap, sorry I can't I have hockey practice tonight".  Just like that he has won, she never had a chance.  She was good looking, a little short on brains but that was sorta Olegs type. The awesomeness is not known to most people, Oleg never even pressed pause or stopped playing.

I have never understood this part of the Gamer, the utter rejection and hiding inside of video games. People are replaced in order to play another hour or so, not to lie I've come into the Arena close before.  At one point in time, a particular girl showed up slightly earlier than I expected, I played the remaining three minutes, to the cringe of this particular female. To be fair, I was playing that game for over half an hour and just needed to end.  I've really never had this problem before, most girls I have been involved with would beat the shit out of me I think if I snubbed them for a video game. I'm glad about that.

Introvert and Social Interaction

Its weird as hell to try and interact with anyone you don't know really well.  I have the constant feeling with people I talk to that my presence is not wanted, and that I am a burden merely by being around them.  As a result I am never comfortable, I am always figidity, always jumpy concerned that I am unwelcome.  If someone were to hit me in the face for what appeared to be no reason, I would assume a rational explanation behind it.

More and more, I am looking at this in relation to my interaction with my dad. I wouldn't go so far to say that I was abused, but rest assured it fucked me up pretty good.  I feel odd, I have only ever described it inside of a neutral tone, I rush thought saying events that were negative and put a somewhat positive spin on it.  I say I lived with my family inside of a trailer in southern Illinois, before we moved to carbondale. 

I don't say, I lived in a trailer with my mother because she was petrified of where her life had taken her. Sitting on a divorce with a achoolic who she felt compelled to leave for us, because our life was fucked.  My dad was kicked out of his previous job, and had some sort of criminal conviction, that I still don't know the details on.  So we lived off my Grandmother's measily salary as a governmental employee where she helped the disabled grandfather.  It was a lovely situation.  I remember playing a lot of video games at this point in my life, I am pretty sure based off later conversation my mom spent this time petrified and crying. 

I don't know if that effects who I am, or how, but I am sure it does.  I didn't have a lot of social interaction with other kids at this time, so I think my skills were low before I moved into actual schools.

Teasing was a fun thing, LET ME TELL YOU. That sucked. My general problems now socially I think are as follows...

Thinking negative things are acctually nice to say

Unable to operate a phone to call someone to do something

Unable to communicate on the phone with a somewhat well adjusted individual

Forgetting to mention things that are key to what I am saying that others might not know

Unable to communicate in general with people in simple conversation

Unable to have small talk about normal issues

Unable to mediate between thoughts that are reasonable and those that are not

Having virtually no tact at all

Unable to see who is socially awkward (Pro tip:Anyone who can actually talk with me is socially awkward)

INSANELY Paranoid, like to a extreme degree

Thinking I am a burden upon everyone I interact with

These are things last year I wanted to fix, now I don't know if I do.  I'm ok and content with it, but maybe I'm not? Its like when I think about if I suffer from depression. What if I am depressed and just don't know it, and meds could make me all "better"? What if I'm actually happy and just don't know it and the meds would make me worse?

Normal scares me, but its about as scary as being weird and not knowing it. I wish people had thought bubbles and you could just see what others honestly thought of you. Would make my life easier.

Ideology Does Make Subjects of Us All

Hey Brother, I thought I recognized you!”

 A shiver ran up my spin when I heard this on campus today.  Its nothing about the statement itself that bothers me so much, it’s the speaker which is somewhat disturbing to me. It’s a fatter white man in the middle of the OU campus. The notion of community among whites has always been a odd thing to me.  I am of the firm belief that community is not offended on whiteness, and whiteness does not bring people closer together inside of America, rather that because it is the dominant description inside of society that it precludes this. That small Russian communities are more of a community than the suburbs will ever be, that the interaction of middle eastern groups is infinity more productive than going to the Y. That you are more likely to form groups solely based off whiteness is ridiculous to me. 

 

This hailing thought, makes me question it.  When I hear a black male say to another , in reference in place of name of the label of brother it doesn’t bother me in the least. To me it seems to represent a essentialist ploy towards a transcendental experience, a common linking of hey not white either, even thought this isn’t as common place among people that you don’t know. But to refer to someone as a brother, is a odd way to both depersonalize a interaction with someone and to increase it at the same time. The brother is the nameless, the removed individual pulled away. The brother is the closest because they share the most tight knit of bonds, when they are in fact not your biological brother, I think the assessment is of race instead. 

 

The White hailing of the brother scares me terribly because to me it paints the image of someone who thinks whiteness is under attack. The notion that somehow there is a power struggle between whites and non-whites, and that we need a system of solidarity to keep ourselves protected from the dangerous “colored’ other. It screams klan meeting, religious fanaticism and exclusion while a majority.  Its because this group is in the dominate that side pockets of culture make sense, why on earth would anyone want to integrate into that? It strikes me as a odd question now, is that how all of white interaction is? Is the Klan the exception or the rule and its just more unspoken and hidden?  I question my role in this system.

 

I feel like a drifter, I am a white atheist, without a home or a community of my own. My behavior is erratic and unpredictable, very much on the extreme of everything, am I part of this problem?

Awkward

I talked with Jen for the first time since I got to OU today. A weird little moment, someone I was so close with now distinctly at arms length away, unknown and foreign to me.  It was a pretty shitty feeling considering shes the only person I opened up to really at OU, and that avenue doesn't seem to be open anymore.  I'm split between a desire to express my own anxiety because it seems healthy, but having trouble separating out a pervious interaction with what is now mandated.  

It is a pretty shitty feeling.  Her view of me has shifted radically I think too. Now everything I say comes off with spite and venom inside of my words, her eyes stare like I am a cruel beast heel bent on crushing her.  She passes judgement on me for playing virtual Janga (Ps. Boomblocks is the best game in the fucking world), and when I suggest she isn't so different she gets upset.  Its odd to me, and I think I figured it out.  She legimaitly doesn't like the notion of being dependent on technology, while not realizing how much it truly permeates what we do, a hater of it through and through.  I like that about her so much.

I am no longer looking forward to being at OU this year.

Disgust

I sat utterly disgusted at myself inside of my bed, flabbergasted at myself. I was a terrible human being, I was sure. I was so rich as to live in this prep boy club of an apartment complex! There is so much more space than most places.  What the fuck was I doing here?

Than I traced it throught my head when the change occured.  My mom got married.  

We were broke as a family ( I love how pretentious that looks right now), living on a trailer outside of my grandmothers farm. My mom was a shell of a person, paraylized with fear of raising three kids on her own inside of country, southern Illinois (its not rural fuck you, it was country to me).  She made the move that she had to go back to school, and we loaded up on goverment aid and loans and packed up to SIUC carbondale.  Fun time, a single mother with three kids trying to become a paralegal, or a typist for the courtrooms(don't know what they are called). With three kids at home, there were clearly a little fucked up.  We scream basic explination of a single family.

The Oldest kid is a hero.

The youngest is a mommas boy

The middle is quite.

We lived in a three bedroom apartment, and I have no fucking idea how we did it. Thank fucking god for food stamps, and thank god for student loans. She got a job and we left the apartment to a spacious shitty home, again three bedrooms, but southern Illinois but still. It was terrible.

For a while me and my brother during the summer were at a day care where I experinced racism for the first time directed at me.  I might talk about that later, but being the only white kid in a all black daycare, (actually one other white kid) and I was odd man out picked on quite a bit. A drug deal happened in front of the daycare while we were outside and we couldn't go back.  Than it was to biblecare, a worse hell. Eventually it was "I am going to die poor like this" from my mom (11 dollars an hour with all that debt and three kids). Big move up to STL.

We go to the lovely town and four. There was government assisted living on the other side of the lack. The weekend we moved in there was a stabbing on the corner of the street. 

It was awesome, finally other kids and close.  

Than it happened. We moved from town and four into a actual house, finally my own room. The quality of the house just went up and up.  This was during high school, where I had been raised with much less, to see such a drastic change progressively I missed it. Things were still broken, and my mom was working 50 hours a week at the lawfirm. 

Than she met Gary.  Than I got a laptop before I went to school, than we started to eat a lot better, than got a new stove, a new fridge. My moms car is pretty new and pretty nice. I can't tell if shes happy. I can't tell, and it makes me very very sad.

Isolated

A odd thing happened for me today, I up rooted my life and placed it somewhere new. For the first time thought, this caused some anxiety for me. I got sick of having to talk with everyone back inside of Norman, I got sick of my mother and my sister after having spent the large part of two days with them trapped inside of a car (one day in the car). So much so to the point of being anxious for them to leave to be back on my own, to be let go.

The night before I semi-broken into my apartment to sleep on the bed before it was legally mine, a place to crash so my mother and sister could sleep in there own beds at the hotel (or a retreat for me).  Immediately it was back to old tricks, as we lit up the moment they were in the car for the first time for me in my new residence.  My perception changed quickly about myself in a positive way in this particular interaction also for the first time.  I felt pretty awesome for how I was able to keep my GPA up with my study habits and behavior, but my other friends put themselves in danger of failing out.  Around this time I also realised I was breaking the law, and was scared that someone would catch me and I would be in big trouble.  Thankfully I have college friends to freak me the fuck out worse when this thought runs through my head, as the doorbell rings and it is loud as fuck.  Mumbling and rambling we get to the conversation of me being psychotic for the random shit I say.  but in a good way?

I don't know, I just feel very much un-like people I meet.  This makes me feel lonely =(

The Broken

This post is awkward and is odd for me. I don't have the ability to express well what i intend to.

I think everyone has a type, and I don't think that's unreasonable to say. A pattern can be figured out about what attracts us to another individual. Personally, I'm in love with someone who has problems. Victims of violence, emotional distress, manic depressive, filled with self hate, nothing sounds more attractive. A friend told me that they liked that I seemed to just erase all of the negative characteristics about something that I liked, I think this statement was wrong thought.



I find myself theoretically enjoying the company of normal people from time to time, someone who hasn't had hardships and it seems pleasant enough. However, I never seem to jive with them. At a olive garden, with some friends of a friend, and I feel incredibly isolated from conversation, no real reason. Solidly different not able to fit in. The guy to my right jokes about people being what he calls "Choches"? or something, essentially the stereotypical frat boy. IT seems obvious to me that this guy fits into my mind what they would be. I've never seen him without a shirt with a collar on, and his mannerisms speak money to me. The girl to my left, told some story about her friends getting a salad at a country club. Who goes to country clubs? What could be worse than a area closed off from people primarily because of the cost that prevents you from attending there?



Oddly that last statement describes every where I go to another person.



These people are nice enough, but I put next to no value in my interaction with them. However, they aren't unpleasant. The issue I have with them is that they don't have problems. This is the easiest connector I have with other individuals in this world. Most people I enjoy being around fall into a nice little category I like to call broken. If you have had something happen to you that makes you uncomfortable to talk about, or something you don't openly disclose you are broken.

If you are anti-social and would prefer to go without the communication of most people, and sit there and wonder "Why is this person talking" you are broken. Along with probably a hundred other things, its a nice little group of people. If you get attached to people easily, you are probably closeted broken.



In middle school, one of the things people did was develop a eating disorder or cut themselves. I guess at least my perception based off the few people I interacted with. One of the things outsiders to those groups would say is that "Oh, they are only doing it for attention, they aren't really going to kill themselves". Nothing has seemed worse to me than that last statement (Ok that's hyperbole). It's like someone watching someone get the shit kicked out of them and doing nothing because murder isn't the intent. Why isn't someone who mutilates there body because they feel so starved for attention not worth that attention? Why is such a small thing as affection forbidden for them because they aren't well adjusted?



And that describes my first relationship. It turns out that is a level of broken where its not healthy to interact in order to fulfill there needs. That one really must care about themselves first, in order to have a healthy interaction. This however made me find my type I think, the friends that I want and the relationships I engage in.



Years later, and most everyone I have interacted with romantically or similarly at all, is a little fucked up to very fucked up. I miss being the person someone went to crying after a particularly fucked up interaction with there parents. Confided in, told their dark secerts, the invisible demons hiding under the shell they showed off to everyone. Nothing is as happy as holding that person close. Falling asleep with them, being close as they work through the issues in there life, being an anchor of safety one can set themselves to. Someone to share there pain, be they body issues or other. (I like tangents if you haven't caught on) Nothing is more attractive than someone who has body image issues naked. To expose there faults to another individual, to bare wittiness to eyes that pass judgement on every crease potentially. Willing vulnerability, nothing is more in danger than a naked person. Nothing keeps them safe. I love nothing more than to embrace that. Nothing feels better than to ease those woes, to be as close as possible. To love there insecurity, to love there history, to love there problems. (Love isn't real.) Its unfortunate that I can't ever express this properly to these people inside of my life's, its not that I ignore whats wrong with them. Its that's exactly what I like about them.

No posts?

For anyone who thought they would read this, I would rec checking when school starts. I don't really feel I have a like of people to express to at the moment, so I haven't felt the need to talk on here at all. However, that will change I am fairly sure.

My Racism

Its a sad realization when one realizes they are intolerant and discriminatory. I've had to deal with this a bit more as of late, confronted by my predictable discrimination. Religion. It is a nice thing to fight about, but thats the only purpose I have seen for it, the whole world would be better off without any of it. It gets a little less humorous when one of the few people I acctually enjoy being around expresses there desire to become more religious.  This conversation started what turned out to be predictable. Her saying she was going to start wearing a Hijab, and my indication of disagreement, or displeasure maybe is the word.

The immediate response, was that it was predicted I would be the one to raise a negative response to this. Under the notion that I would not want to be seen with someone so muslim. 

That particular statement didn't sit well with me. On some level it is very true, on another it couldn't be farther from the truth. In the sense that it isn't true, I require the word 'muslim' to merely be replaced with the word religious. I find nothing particularly upsetting about Muslims but I'm not the biggest fan of Islam.  I don't care for the political infusion Islam has with the middle east.  To say a state is religious automatically brings the words oppression to the front of my mind. While its a option here, to follow views or not, the notion of the religious state seems something forced in my mind. This lies a problem with me thought, France seems like a beacon screaming to me. With a population of almost 60% that don't think god is real, I feel like a odd sort of connection. A pull towards the smallest portion of the population here that would be all around there. The irony, that seeing france as a community of atheist's shows why it isn't a community of atheists. The dominate narrative of a land no matter what it is, prevents the groupings of communities.  This to me explains why Jewish populations, Italian and Russian populations are so tight nit, because "american" is all that is, but interestingly this isn't a community that bounds together. It does in the notion of the international, but there aren't groups formed around the notion of being white that are strictly positive expressions (I hope) ((and I recognize there are the clans etc. but lets not talk about that)).

Why does religion upset me so much? Its become a priori to me, that religion is a bad thing. I acctually have trouble forming the words to come up with the arguments anymore. I'm a fanatically against as I view religion to be. I write off my anger, and justify my own behavior under the guise of its what was expected anyways. I started talking with her about it and about five minutes in she had to stop to tell me and another to stop being such pricks. Its really not ok for me to be so combative. She says essentially at one point that it is ignorant the way Dawkins and I etc. write off the religious as idiots, millions and millions of people. That they couldn't possibly have internally questioned, posited as we were doing.  This stricts me as odd looking back on it, as I see that religion can have that effect, I don't think one even has to be a idiot for something to go unquestioned to them.  If you agree with it and are always around like minded people there is no reason that it will ever be overcome. If it helps you sleep at night, if it makes the world make sense, why would you ever fight it? 

I've come to a conclusion thought, maybe the smarter religious people I know honestly feel spiritual...I don't even know what that means. I can't even comprhend what it means to feel like there is a god, to feel like the world has purpose and there is truth behind it.  Instead I take my views as baseline. Is it wrong for me to respect people less when they tell me they believe in a god? Is it bad that I burst out laughing in class when someone was talking about there views of heaven? 

I've got to learn to respect different views a lot more. 

Start Up

I honestly wonder who will ever read any of this.  No matter, this is sort of my letter of intent. I have started this so that I could post random bits about my life, post my writings for class, post my thoughts on people I know, and post things that have effected me / do /will etc. Commentary on things I enjoy and things I don't.  First is a bad piece of writing from senior year, Wrote it in thirty minutes, but I some what enjoyed it. Hell, after all its my blog right? I wrote it for my english class so my grade would be bumped up. Lots of spelling errors/grammar errors but oh well.

Am I lost?

I wake up at  11:06 already late to the day of work ahead of me. A quick shower and a comb of my hair (not knowing that this combing wouldn't be good enough). I eat the biscuits and gravy from a new gravy mix, needs more sausage. We drive to Dierbergs to get the cosurage, twelve dollars for three little flowers seems unrasonable, why on earth did I pay that? Bobby told me he payed twenty and he got two flowers on his, I guess it could be worse. Its three o'clock and shes supposed to be here at four, I better get changed. The tux feels nice compared to most suits, most suits are overly hot, but the inner shirt of the tux is remarkably cool, letting the air flow in and out with a nice sensation every time I take off the dress jacket. She calls, late as usual, 5:15? No skin off my back.

Five thirty rolls around and I call her. Shes been crying, but on her way. She gets her at 5:40, her mom went insane over me not being brought over, but her taking photos only over here. Odd, she was supposed to be at Sara's, no matter. Time to force a smile, Ugh, I don't care whats in the background get it over with. Five fifty, and we leave, photos of the make-up and hair are thrust at me in  the form of a digital camera. Sara looks Mexican? Fifty five dollars to get your hair messed up? Jesus Christ. What a waste of money to have it done, declare you hate it and have your makeup guy fix it. Ugh, at least shes driving nice and slow.

Arrival, at six, god we are always late, the dance is at six thirty to seven-ish starting, why does no one bother to be on time to anything? Photo after photo, Aaron looks nice, Sara does look Mexican. Its probably just the change emphasized by the yellow dress. That hat is ridiculous looking, there is a theme to prom? Why is every theme, every prom has revolve around wearing Suits and Tuxes? Does no one have a truly original theme? Why has there never been a theme like, you are a starving artist struggling to get by, or you've just been fired and divorced within the same week of each other. That would make for some interesting dress up. Much more original too. I don't know how to act like I am just her friend, we've been dating for nine months, yet the slightest hint can't be displayed in front of anyone who might suggest it to her Mother. They have to have some sort of clue that its the case...Smile, Smile Smile. Allison and Slovo are hear. I wonder why Adam always calls him slow-mo...well that didn't take long to figure out. Disgusting yellow teeth, ugh. Off to driving, god why can't she ever drive slow? OH MY GOD! She almost ran into two different cars, and if the other person hadn't seen us she would have. Jesus Christ, I feel sick. No its no big deal I'll be fine.

At the hotel. People are checking in and I suddenly feel low class. Why is this at a chain hotel like this is somewhere nice? Do poorer schools have senior dinners at Denny's and dress up for it? I hate feeling really poor, oh well. Already here. Appetizers eh? Lets see...cheese, fruit and soda? Thats it? Appetizer my ass. The cheese is pretty good thought, typical however. Nothing I haven't had before makes me feel a little better.  It's odd seeing everyone dressed up in a tux, its clear who is a moron as they have conveniently given themselves away with a nice white beacon of a tux. Reed pulls it off thought, but hes the exception.

Dinner starts, the salad isn't something I am willing to taste. I hate it, so I eat the desert now instead. Ugh, shortbread? I was really wishing this was cheesecake, but strawberry's are excellent none the less. Dinner arrives, chicken and Jillian asks to get the vegetarian version. Her noodles smell so much better than mine. I want to try it, and she would let me, but it feels odd to ask. Enough with the pictures already, can we go five minutes with out the need to record this instance? Are we so scared that we will forget in a month, or a year? Or are you going to use this as a token of proof to show other people “yeah I was there”? Dancing starts

The dance floor is packed, next to no room is free everyone is around.  I feel awkward dancing, but quickly see that the difference between a ok dancer and a terrible dancer is how much you notice them. Make a similar amount of movement as the people around you and you blend in, congratulations you win. To much or to little, and you stand out. You have failed. I do this for hours, the band is ok. Nothing special, it beings to get repetitive thought, how can anyone find this enjoyable for so long? Its the same thing over and over. Eh, maybe once in a while, I guess I just don't understand. Maybe I'd go back, but $65? jeez, seems a little much. Time to find something new to do. She seems happy, guess it was worth it.